


The Other Four Doctors ... or ... Attack of the Cyberpoofs

by Classicsitcom



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27703760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Classicsitcom/pseuds/Classicsitcom
Summary: One of those multi doctor adventures that used to show up in the anniversary years - remember 'The Three Doctors' , 'The Two Doctors' and 'The Five Doctors' ? Well here is 'The Other Four Doctors'. Doctors numbers 5,6,7 and 8 together in one massive adventure - it's what we've all been waiting for ... isn't it ?A story from the 1990s continuing on from the Eighth Doctor one-off film. Contains attitudes and language of that era. Contains attitudes and language of this era too. Contains elements of diversity and some mild sexual references - probably OK for the kiddies but I've given it a 'teen' rating. Complete story.





	The Other Four Doctors ... or ... Attack of the Cyberpoofs

The Other Four Doctors ... or ... Trials of Some Time Lords... or ... Attack of the Cyberpoofs.

A story from the 1990s continuing on from the Eighth Doctor one-off film. Contains attitudes and language of that era. Contains attitudes and language of this era too. Contains elements of diversity and some mild sexual references - probably OK for the kiddies but I've given it a 'teen' rating.

Starring Peter Davidson, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann, Janet Fielding, Mark Stricksen, Bonnie Langford, Sophie Aldred.

"The planet Waris is considered by many people to be one of the dullest in this particular star system." Announced the Doctor - a young man who, in fact, was not young at all, with an open friendly face, flowing blond hair and wearing light coloured trousers and a cricketing jumper.  
The Doctor's words were not out of place regarding the planet - rocky, dusty and overcast, it resembled a massive rock quarry, it's desolate, lifeless landscape stretching to the horizon. Apart from huge monolithic chunks of stone scattered haphazardly around, only one object was visible in this landscape and that resembled an old fashioned Police call box from England on the planet Earth. This object, however, was the TARDIS - the incredible space and time travelling machine of the young blond haired, cricketing man - Doctor Who !  
As the Doctor strolled away from the TARDIS, one of his companions stepped out through the door. "What a total dump !" She announced as she staggered across the rocks in completely impractical high heeled shoes "Oh the dust !" She complained - Tegan was always complaining - as she brushed away imaginary grains of sand from her geometrically patterned blouse and her wet-look pvc, imitation, fake pleatherette skirt - "Why have we come here anyway ?"  
"To catch a Flibaflub, of course." Said Turlough stepping out of the TARDIS "Isn't that right, Doctor ?"  
"Hopefully so." Said the Doctor distractedly and looking around the rock surface.  
"I don't even know what a Flibaflub is." Snapped Tegan.  
"The Doctor told you," said Turlough "It's a rodent that is prevalent on this planet and he wants some hair from it to complete his alien DNA collection."  
"Strewth !" Said Tegan "Hey, just a minute, you're not going to kill this Flibaflub thing are you ?"  
"Absolutely not, I just need to comb one or two hairs out of it tail." Said the Doctor reassuringly.  
"Well, the sooner we find one the better." Groaned Tegan, slipping off her shoes and peering down at the ground "How big are they ?"  
"About eight feet from nose to tail." Said the Doctor.  
"Eight feet !" Said Tegan in astonishment.  
"Eight feet !" Said Turlough also in astonishment "That's big for a rodent isn't it ?"  
"One of the largest rodents known to science actually." Said the Doctor waving a plastic comb in the air - "Have we found one yet ?"  
"What do they eat ?" Asked Tegan.  
"Air hostesses !" Said Turlough smiling.  
Tegan smiled back to cover her fear of meeting an eight foot long gerbil. Turlough wasn't keen on the idea either.  
Pitiless, emotionless alien eyes observed the Doctor and his companions - the eyes of one of the Doctors deadliest foes - the Cybermen ! Three of the silver monsters stepped out from behind the rocks walking directly towards the Doctor. He gasped and turned but more Cybermen had already surrounded him and his companions. One of them grabbed Tegan in a vice like grip, Turlough was similarly incapacitated.  
"Doctor, you will surrender." Said one of the Cybermen "Or your companions will die !"  
"Gerroff !" Said Tegan trying to break free.  
"Don't struggle, Tegan." Said the Doctor "Don't hurt my friends." He pleaded "I surrender."  
"Take them to the ship." Ordered the Cyberman who was obviously in charge. The Doctor, Tegan and Turlough were led away to a waiting Cybership whilst the commanding Cyberman lifted up the TARDIS and carried it above his head.  
"Couldn't we have made a fight of it ?" Snarled Tegan.  
"Not against Cybermen." Said Turlough.  
"Brave heart Tegan." Said the Doctor as he often did in a maudlin, slushy sort of a way.

At that very moment - January, 2025 - the new President of the United States was sworn in at Washington DC. President Guy Turner made a moving, humble and inspirational speech to the huge crowd gathered for his inauguration and walked in to the Whitehouse with his entourage to huge cheers and applause.  
Once in the Oval Office, the President turned to his Secretary of State Julius P Brownhatter and whispered -  
"Get all the 'straights' out of here."  
Brownhatter nodded and selected some of the senators to remain in the room - "Everyone else out, thank you." He drawled.  
Soon, only the President's hand-picked inner circle remained in the room - every one of them secretly, like the president himself, an extremist homosexual fanatic.  
"Congratulations Mr President." Said Brownhatter and the room burst in to spontaneous applause as well as the irritating, exaggerated howls, camp gestures and attention seeking screeches inevitable in any gathering of homosexual men.  
President Turner held up his hands for silence -  
"Thank you, thank you, gentlemen or should I say thank you gentlepoofs !" This comment was the cue for more camp shrieking from the assembly which, again, Turner had to silence with hand gestures.  
"As you know," he continued "Operation 'Pink' which we have all worked for all these years is in its final and most crucial stage - the complete gay takeover of the planet !"  
"The Cyberpoofs sir ?" Asked Brownhatter.  
""Our allies," said Turner, beaming with delight "the Cyberpoofs are almost here. Their invasion fleet has already entered the solar system, it is approaching Earth right now !"  
The effeminate howling in the room became deafening...

Utter silence - the total, complete silence of outer space. Entering the solar system, passing the recently discovered Kleiper belt planetoid 'Verity' came a fleet of bright pink spaceships emblazoned with rainbow flag designs - the invasion fleet of the dreaded Cyberpoofs !  
On the bridge of the lead Cyberpoofship, the commander-in-chief of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet studied the computerised map of the solar system that covered a large, circular display table in the middle of the bridge. All around him, the Cyberpoof crew dealt with the myriad tasks of keeping the fleet in formation as they approached planet Earth from the distant reaches of the outer planets.  
The Cyberpoofs were identical to Cybermen except that their body casings were pink instead of silver, they wore rainbow flag flashes on their shoulders and their lower arm mouldings were modified to give a limp wristed appearance. There were modifications, too, to their lower bodies causing them to mince around instead of the powerful striding movement typical of real Cybermen. Among the Cyberpoofs, however, were two individuals who were neither Cyberpoofs nor Cybermen. One was a stockily built humanoid - though not a human - with tightly curled fair hair and wearing a bright, garish outfit of tartan checks, stripes and primary colours. This individual was a Time Lord, the Time Lord known as Doctor Who ! Strictly and numerically speaking, he was the Sixth Doctor and he stood with his arms folded cutting a striking figure on the bridge, arrogant and defiant.  
"All is going to plan Doctor." Reported the Cyberpoofleader who clearly viewed the Doctor as an equal. Unlike the typical emotionless monotone voices of Cybermen, the Cyberpoofs spoke with a higher pitched, camp sounding voice with an awkward intonation that made every statement sound irritatingly like a question.  
"Yes indeed, Cyberpoofleader, very soon now the planet Earth will be successfully invaded and made in to a completely gay planet... " Said the Doctor "... and made in to a completely gay planet." He repeated the last few words using the questioning intonation then continued - "I can't wait to deal with all those stinky straights, eh Mel ? I mean, Melvin ?"  
The last statement was directed to his young companion - apparently a boy in his 20s with delicate, even feminine facial features. He wore tight white jeans of the type favoured by the exhibitionist homosexual young males of 21st century Earth, knee length biker boots, a leather jacket tightly zipped up, fingerless gloves showing off black nail varnish and perched on his head was a leather military style peaked cap emblazoned with chrome plated chains and enamelled rainbow flag badges. He chewed constantly and nervously on a large wad of chewing gum which he occasionally blew in to bubbles between his strangely full lips and allowed to pop loudly. He stood with his arms wrapped round the Doctor's torso.  
"You bet, Doc," said 'Melvin' "As a gay man I say - 'Death to straights !' I'm always saying that. I love being a big pansy gay boy so much that I hate all straights. Give us a kiss !"  
The Doctor and 'Melvin' embraced each other, their lips locked together in a long, passionate, tongue wrestling kiss. When they eventually separated, the Doctor reached in to his mouth with his fingers and removed the wad of chewing gum -  
"I think that's yours." He said handing it back to 'Melvin' who popped it straight back in to his mouth and chewed on it loudly while saying "Thanks Doctor, mm, speaking as a gay man, you make me feel so horny !"  
"Yes, I feel... er ...horny too," said the Doctor turning to the Cyberpoofleader he said "Me and this young go-hard Melvin are going to go back to our private quarters for a bit of bum action if that's OK with you."  
"Of course." Said the Cyberpoofleader "You are dismissed."  
"Come on you sexy young fellow." Said the Doctor and he and 'Melvin' minced off the bridge.  
"I find the Doctor's behaviour less than convincing." Said one of the Cyberpoof crew to his commander "What proof do we have that he is genuinely gay, why is he helping us ?"  
"The duty of a Cyberpoof is to obey orders, not to question them." Snapped the Cyberpoofleader.  
"Of course, Leader." Said the chided Cyberpoof.  
"However," continued the Cyberpoofleader "The Doctor assures us that he turned queer in his last regeneration but we only have his word for that."  
"Exactly." Said the rebellious Cyberpoof.  
"The fact remains that he has joined forces with us to invade Earth and force it to bend to the will of gayness in pursuit of our plans for interplanetary poofing. His knowledge of the planet is invaluable and will ensure our success. In the meantime, continue to investigate the matter and report back your findings."  
"Yes Leader." Said the Cyberpoof with a limp wristed salute.  
"In the meantime, ensure that the Doctor's living quarters are guarded."  
"I have anticipated that order, Leader."

Meanwhile, in the United States of America, President Turner held another meeting in the Oval Office - attended, of course, only by his loyal gay associates - loyal to gayness, obviously, not to the Constitution of the country they were elected to govern.  
"At this very moment, a crack team of hand picked gay Marines are putting the final touches to the operation to storm the United Nations building tomorrow." He pointed to a television screen where armed men could be seen practising with automatic weapons firing at targets with the word 'straight' stamped over them. The other occupants of the room cheered and whooped in the loud, attention seeking manner typical of homosexual men.  
"Tomorrow," continued the President "We sieze the United Nations building, hold the straight delegates hostage and await the arrival of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet. Then... then we proclaim global gayness."  
After the inevitable shrieking and yelling had died down, one of the administration asked "Do we have the exact figures regarding world leaders who will co-operate ?"  
"As you know," said the President "We have managed to install gay leaders in 50 per cent of the countries at the UN - the vast majority of them secretly so, of course."  
"Otherwise the straight voters would never have elected them !" Moaned Secretary of State Brownhatter "They're so homophobic and intolerant - I can't wait till they're all killed !"  
"Exactly, but tomorrow, when the Cyberpoofs tip the power of balance in our favour, straight dictatorship will end, countries will move forward to a new era of queerness, the straight leaders will be liquidated and replaced by gays, the whole planet, the whole planet Earth will become a completely gay planet !"  
Howls, shrieks and cries of "Death to straights !" echoed around the Oval Office.  
"Let's celebrate our inevitable victory with some hot bum action !" Suggested the President...

At that very moment, at the United Nations building in New York a small, rather diminutive figure wearing a jumper emblazoned with question marks, a dark jacket and a rather fetching fedora entered the building accompanied by his companion, a young woman who's pretty features were somewhat hardened by a difficult life and by several gruelling adventures with the diminutive figure - the man known as Doctor Who. This was, of course, the seventh incarnation of the Doctor and he too would play a crucial part in saving the Earth ... yet again ... from alien invasion. The two of them - the Doctor and his companion, whose name was Ace - were accompanied by a uniformed military officer - General Winifred Bambera of the British arm of UNIT - the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce.  
"This is the entrance to the conference room ?" Asked the Doctor.  
"Yes," said General Bambera.  
"Very good, yes, excellent." Said the Doctor "My gadget please, Ace." He held out his hand. Ace rummaged through her pockets and brought out a small plastic cuboid less than one inch by one inch in size which the Doctor took from her.  
General Bambera looked around nervously - "You'd better be right about all this, Doctor." She said.  
The Doctor looked hurt "Oh, General," he said "Have I ever been wrong before ?" He pressed the plastic cuboid against the side of the door jamb, low down at floor level where it was virtually unnoticeable.  
"HM Government has the greatest faith in you, Doctor," continued Bambera "but this plan seems so unbelievable."  
"No more unbelievable than having knights in shining armour from another dimension try to steal your nuclear missiles, surely General." Said the Doctor.  
"Yes, quite right Prof." Said Ace "We were right about that, weren't we ?"  
"We ?" Queried the Doctor.  
"Well, 'you' I should say, Professor." Admitted Ace.  
"Yes Doctor, of course," said Bambera "Is there anything else we need to do tonight ?"  
"No, I think that's quite enough." Said the Doctor brushing imaginary dust off the palms of his hands. I think we shall return to the hotel."  
"Great," said Ace looking at her watch "We can go out on the lash now ! The night's still young, you know."  
"Certainly not," said the Doctor "I always need a good night's sleep before I save a planet !"  
"Yeh, but me and Winifred..." Said Ace.  
"Some other evening, Ace" said Bambera "I've a mountain of paperwork to deal with before the morning."  
Ace scowled - "I'll just watch Star Trek on the telly then." She said grumpily.

On the bridge of the command ship of the Cyberman invasion fleet, the Fifth Doctor cut a forlorn and beaten figure.  
"You will reveal the secrets of Earth's planetary defences to us and ensure our successful conquest of the entire planet." boomed the Cybercommander, his silver body gleaming in the glaring light that illuminated the interior of the ship and his black headpiece indicating his rank - "Otherwise..." he clenched his powerful fist slowly and menacingly in to a fist - "Your companions will suffer until they beg for the merciful release of death !"  
"Don't listen to him, Doctor !" Shouted Tegan.  
"We're just three lives against millions on Earth." Said Turlough "You mustn't help them !"  
"I'll do whatever you wish," said the Doctor quietly "Don't harm them, they've done nothing to you."  
"A wise decision, Doctor." Rasped the evil Cybercommander "Take these two away, lock them up but do not harm them. While they live, this Timelord will be my puppet."  
The Doctor's head slumped forward in utter dejection as Tegan and Turlough were dragged away.  
"Now," said the Cybercommander "You and I will discuss Earth's defences."  
The Doctor placed his hands behind his back and felt the reassuring presence of an elaborate bracelet round his left wrist.

At that very moment on the command ship of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet the Sixth Doctor and Mel had reached the limited safety of their living quarters. The Doctor pushed the heavy bulkhead door shut.  
"I can't keep this up much longer, Doctor." Said Mel "I never knew it could be so exhausting being a poofter !"  
"I know," said the Doctor leaning against the door "It's the way they talk that's so difficult. Always speaking as if you're asking a question ? Even when you're not ? When you're actually making a statement ?" The Doctor caricatured the absurd way of speaking with every sentence "And the weird, strangulated accent as well, it's more than flesh and blood can stand."  
"If I have to start another sentence with the words 'I'm a gay man so ...' I'll scream, I really will." Said Mel.  
"Oh I know, it's horrendous." Agreed the Doctor "You don't really need to do that when you're talking to other homos though. That's only when you're talking to normal people - a way of constantly ramming it down their throats ... if you'll pardon the rather disgusting pun."  
Mel took off her peaked cap and allowed her long strawberry blond hair to fall round her shoulders "And all the attention seeking as well ! Always trying to be at the centre of everything. It must be horrible being queer."  
"It won't be for much longer, I hope." Said the Doctor "This will all be over soon." He nervously fiddled with an elaborate bracelet around his left wrist.  
"Doctor, you've never really explained to me," said Mel "I thought Cybermen had no feelings, no emotions, how can they become poofs ?"  
"That's a good question Mel," said the Doctor "It all started with a computer malfunction, a software problem you would call it. The same as a human being who's a poof is wrong in the head, well, these Cyberpoofs are wrong in ... well, wrong in the circuitry, so to speak."  
Mel nodded as the Doctor continued -  
"It all happened years ago, the first few Cyberpoofs developed on some distant outpost of the Cyber Empire and they began producing more and more Cyberpoofs. Thousands of them. When the normal Cybermen found out what was happening, they tried to destroy them but the whole thing exploded in to a massive Cyber war between them. They had become virtually two different species, it was impossible for one side or the other to gain an advantage - two sides fighting using logic instead of emotion, you see. Stalemate. Eventually, they separated to different parts of the galaxy, always suspicious of each other, always hostile but unable to secure a victory for one side or the other. Now, clearly, the Cyberpoofs see a tactical advantage in invading the Earth, turning it completely gay and, presumably, creating potentially millions more Cyberpoofs."  
"Can we stop them ?" Asked Mel.  
"Not alone, we can't." Said the Doctor "We'll need some help ... don't worry, Mel, we'll get it."

Elsewhere on the Cyberpoof Command Ship, the Cyberpoofleader was consulting with his Second in Command regarding the ongoing investigation in to the Doctor and Melvin.  
"I am unable to access adequate information on the Doctor." Reported the Second in Command Cyberpoof "The distance from our home planet makes the data transfer too slow."  
The Cyberpoofleader punched his fist in to the palm of his other hand with a loud clang - "We can't spare any more computer power." He declared "We are jamming Earth radar, analysing the defences, a thousand and one other things. I wish I knew that I could trust that Timelord !"  
"We should never have made the upgrade to Cybersoft 10 !" Said the Second in Command Cyberpoof "The computer system hasn't been the same since."  
Another Cyberpoof approached and saluted the Cyberpoofleader "All the data readings show that the Earth defences are exactly as described by the Doctor." He reported.  
"Excellent." Said the Cyberpoofleader "The information the Doctor has given us seems accurate. We will be able to nullify the defences and invade the Earth virtually unopposed."  
"Then the Doctor IS a homo and can be trusted ?" Asked the Second in Command Cyberpoof.  
"It seems so." Said the Cyberpoofleader then after a few moments of silence - "Continue with those security checks and I will double the guard on his quarters anyway."

On the command ship of the Cyberman invasion fleet Tegan and Turlough had been locked in a small cell with a powerful bulkhead door. Turlough peered through the bars in the little window of the door and could see a Cyberman on guard.  
Tegan sat on the floor - she had taken off her stud earrings and a gold chain from round her neck and was filing them down in to gold dust with a nail file collecting the precious filings on a piece of paper.  
"You take over guard duty," said Turlough "I'll have a go at this."  
Tegan took up position at the barred window while Turlough worked with the nail file.

It was mid morning in New York and the delegates for the United Nations assembly were gathering. The British Prime Minister Joris Bohnston was in a private office with General Bambera, the Seventh Doctor and Ace.  
Bohnston paced up and down nervously, Bambera stood 'at ease' looking out the window. The Doctor and Ace played a game of draughts on a little magnetic board.  
"Is there nothing else we can do, Doctor ?" Said Bohnston eventually - "Apart from playing draughts."  
"You're quite right Prime Minister." Said the Doctor "We'll try snakes and ladders instead."  
Ace giggled as Bohnston threw up his arms in frustration. Bambera smiled to herself.

Meanwhile on Gallifrey ... President Borusa, Chancellor Socra and the Castellan Bellingham were in private conference and discussing a vital topic.  
"Lord President." Said Chancellor Socra "The armed units are still within one mile of the target and are awaiting your orders to storm the castle."  
President Borusa rubbed his chin thoughtfully while he and his two companions watched the live link television picture that showed a half ruined castle in a remote part of Gallifrey.  
"They will continue to wait until the order is given." Snapped the Castellan Bellingham.  
"Ridiculous." Snarled Socra "The Doctor is in that castle, Lord President, you know it, I know it ..."  
"We all know it." Said the Castellan Bellingham "We are fully aware of the situation."  
"The Doctor is a fugitive," insisted Socra "A fugitive, a meddler - he has a proven record of meddling in time and changing history. He is up to something in there, up to something."  
"Yes !" Boomed President Borusa and his voice lowered - "but what ? What is he up to in there ? That is the question."  
"That is quite irrelevant." Said Socra "The Doctor has broken the laws of time again and again and should be arrested immediately."  
"On the occasions that he has broken the laws of time it has always ..." The President hesitated "It has often been with the best of intentions, for the best of reasons..."  
"That is no defence." Said Socra "The laws of time are supposed to be immutable. We Time Lords are supposed to protect those laws. Your actions, Sir, are illegal. Every moment you delay, Lord President, makes you an accessory to the Doctor's crimes."  
"Sadly my Lord President," said the Castellan Bellingham "The Chancellor's last point is correct. Strictly speaking, within the letter of the law, your delay is compounding a time felony."  
"I have already delayed." Said the President "So am already guilty am I not."  
"Yes, Lord President, you are." Said Socra.  
"In that case I shall delay a little longer and become a little guiltier ! In for a penny, in for a pound eh ?" Said the President as he returned to watching the screen and rubbing his chin - "What are you up to in there, Doctor ?" 

Inside the castle - the castle's ridiculously long Gallifreyan name was Hartroughtbakertwee incidentally - the Doctor and his companion were busy. This Doctor was a tall Time Lord of lean expression, long straggly dark hair and an unkempt appearance that had been caused by many, many hours of toil here in this dark castle. This particular Time Lord was commonly known as the Eighth Doctor and his companion was a glamorous woman called Grace though her natural glamour had taken a few knocks as she worked every bit as hard as the Doctor barely understanding everything that was happening.  
Five objects that resembled laptop computers - but were much adapted and modified using Time Lord technology sat on the long oak table in the middle of the room. Three of them were marked with numbers - '5' and '6' and '7' - the fourth and fifth laptops were marked 'admin' and 'back-up'. The Doctor moved between the computers constantly checking and inputting data.  
"Almost there Grace." He said "Almost there. Your planet saved and the most devastating blow against the Cybermen in all of their history - mere moments away." He wiped his glistening forehead with a large handkerchief.  
Grace looked out of one of the room windows.  
"Still there ?" He asked.  
"Yes," said Grace "More fires now or maybe just spread out further apart to make us think they've got some reinforcements."  
"They won't get through the walls, the doors or the windows of this castle," said the Doctor "Not with the pulse generators I've fitted to them... not for a while anyway ... if they attack that is." He began to think out loud "Why haven't they attacked yet, that's the real question. I never expected them to even find us here but once they did I expected an immediate attack."  
Grace watched as the Doctor paced up and down pondering his situation...  
"They would attack instantly on the President's command," he continued "And the President's command is the only reason they would hold off. Bear in mind, though Grace, we've still got this old girl to escape in as a last resort." He patted the TARDIS affectionately.  
"You should have rigged up all this stuff in the TARDIS or on some other planet - it would be safer for us." Said Grace.  
"No, not possible, I explained that." Said the Doctor "I need the, well, spiritual energy so to speak, of Gallifrey. It gives me and these computers the power to work across both time and space. Without the Gallifreyan energy, all this would be impossible. Now I must make contact one more time."  
So saying, the Doctor put on a headset and began working with the computers, starting at number 5.

On the bridge of the command ship of the Cyberman invasion fleet, the evil Cybercommander was on the verge of feeling the emotion of satisfaction as he noted the last few details of Earth's space defence systems from his prisoner, the Fifth Doctor.  
"Excellent, " he intoned "The defences of Earth are puny and will be swept aside by our cyberweapons. I am grateful to you, Doctor, for allowing me this opportunity of glory. If it was up to me, I would let you live but my superiors will undoubtedly demand your execution."  
"My companions ?" Asked the Doctor "What about them !"  
"They may or may not be executed." Said the Cybercommander "Their lives are of no consequence to me."  
The Doctor was suddenly aware of a voice inside his head - the voice of the Eighth Doctor - "Everything is going perfectly to plan, stay where you are as long as it is safe."  
The Fifth Doctor responded telepathically - "My companions, Tegan and Turlough, they are prisoners on board the ship. They're not with me, I'm not sure of their location."  
"I'll deal with it." Answered the Eighth Doctor.

Back at his secret castle hideout on Gallifrey, the Eighth Doctor switched over from computer 5 to computer 6 - "Things aren't too good with number five." He said to Grace "He's got seperated from his companions."  
"Is there anything we can do ?" Asked Grace.  
"Not much at the moment, but I'll think of something. Grab them with a space scoop or something if I can get enough energy."

Unaware of the possibility of being 'space scooped' Tegan and Turlough were working on their own escape plan. The nail file had reduced Tegan's gold earrings and necklace to a small pile of fine gold dust.  
"The Doctor told me that this stuff is deadly to these drongos - one whiff of it kills them somehow." Said the feisty Aussie.  
Turlough looked through the bars in the door to the cell - "Excuse me ?" He called out quietly.  
"Never mind all that 'excuse me' stuff," said Tegan "Get his attention - hey, dingo breath !"  
The Cyberman guard by the door turned towards them - "Are you trying to attract my attention ?" He droned.  
"Yes, I am." Said Turlough "Tegan was wondering if we could get a barby in the cell."  
Look at this will you ?" Said Tegan pushing Turlough to one side. She held out the piece of paper holding the precious gold dust.  
The Cyberman guard moved closer and Tegan blew the dust into his face. The effect was instantaneous and the Cyberman collapsed backwards, dropping the laser pistol that had been in its right hand. It landed well out of arms reach but Turlough was ready for that having turned his trouser belt and buckle in to an improvised grapnel hook affair.  
"Got it ?" Asked Tegan.  
"Yes." Said Turlough having caught the weapon on the fourth attempt. A few laser blasts against the cell door later and Tegan and Turlough were free from their cell and in the corridor.  
"Look out !" Said Turlough and Tegan ducked down immediately. The Cyberlaser crackled and a Cyberman entering the corridor crumpled and fell dropping its own weapon which Tegan quickly retrieved.  
On the bridge of the command ship the situation was relayed to the Cybercommander - "The two Earth captives have escaped from their cell."  
"Lock off these bulkheads here, here and here," said the Cybercommander pointing to a screen "Open these ones over here. Give them an easy path up here."  
"Yes Cybercommander."  
"Your companions are coming to rescue you Doctor. They will be destroyed when they arrive... and so will you." Said the Cybercommander then turning to another Cyberman "Set up the weapon neutraliser to ensure that the laser blasters they have do not work."  
"It is done." Said the Cyberman minion clicking a switch.

On board the command ship of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet, the Sixth Doctor and Mel were in their living quarters. The Sixth Doctor looked through the small metal grill in the door through to the corridor -  
"He's doubled the guard again." He said quietly to Mel "They're getting suspicious."  
"What do we do ?" Asked Mel.  
"Wait a moment." Said the Doctor and he stared straight ahead. "Yes, yes, I understand." He was getting a telepathic message from the Eighth Doctor though Mel did not realise this.  
"Are you OK Doctor ?" She asked.  
"Yes Mel, I'm fine." Said the Doctor, his face changing from a scowl to a huge smile. He reached in to his coat pocket and brought out his sonic screwdriver which he pointed towards the locking mechanism of the door to the living quarters. There was a barely audible sizzling sound and the Doctor smiled with some satisfaction - "Atomic welding," he announced "Nothing will ever be able to open that door."  
"So the Cyberpoofs can't get in ?" Asked Mel.  
"That's right." Said the Doctor.  
"How do we get out ?" Asked Mel.  
"With this." Said the Doctor displaying the bracelet on his wrist.  
"What is it ?" Asked Mel.  
"It will transport us away from here and to virtually any point in the known universe - and the unknown as well probably."  
"Well let's go." Said Mel.  
"Not quite yet," said the Doctor "Soon though, soon."

On the bridge of the Cyberpoof Command Ship the Cyberpoofleader was in conference with his Second in Command Cyberpoof looking at the screen of a computer. On the screen were the words 'Image Comparison' and under these words were two heavily pixelated pictures along with the words 'Processing, please wait.'  
"Almost done." Said the Second in Command Cyberpoof "Any moment now."  
The pictures suddenly clarified in to sharp definition - on one side was a photo of 'Melvin' secretly taken by the Cyberpoofleader, on the other side a picture of the rather lovely Melanie Bush - companion of the Sixth Doctor.  
"A woman." Said the Second in Command Cyberpoof "The Doctor's companion is a woman. He is straight."  
If the Cyberpoofleader had a jaw - instead of just a slit in his metal face - the jaw would have hit the floor as he stood paralysed momentarily by shock.  
"The Doctor is a straight !" He said "Then it must be a trick, he must have betrayed us."  
"We abandon the invasion of Earth ?" Asked the Second in Command Cyberpoof.  
"No, of course not ,no we can't. Get the Doctor and that bitch up here, I'll torture them personally till they tell me what they're up to." So saying, he furiously smashed his metal fist through the screen of the computer monitor.

On Earth, in New York, the meeting of the United Nations was opened. Prime Minister Joris Bohnston took his place on one seat for the British delegates, beside him were the Doctor and Ace. There was a hubbub of voices in every imaginable language as hundreds more delegates squeezed in to the huge debating chamber.

Tegan and Turlough had reached the bridge of the Cyberman Command Ship and rushed in with their laser blasters yelling "Stay back." "Get back." and "Don't move." The Cybercommander and his crew virtually ignored them. The Doctor looked on in dismay.  
The Cybercommander stepped straight up to Tegan - who was pulling her laser blasters trigger for all she was worth - grabbed the gun with one hand and took it away from her with ease. Turlough looked at his laser blaster in bafflement, it had worked a moment ago in the corridor but now ... he pointed the blaster at his own head, looking down the barrel and pulled the trigger ... nothing. Another Cyberman relieved him of the weapon.  
"You will die for your actions." Announced the Cybercommander without an atom of emotion.  
"My dear friends," said the Doctor approaching them with his arms outstretched "Such a courageous gesture but there's nothing we can do to halt the Cyber invasion of Earth."  
Tegan pulled back in disgust - "I don't know what's the matter with you Doctor," she snarled "There was a time when you'd have been all over these bludgers faster than a rogue 'roo !"  
"Come on, Tegan, brave heart my dear, at least we're together again." Said the Doctor with a tiny wink.  
Tegan, Turlough and the Doctor hugged each other -  
"I hope you've got a plan." Hissed Tegan.  
"The mother and father of all plans." whispered the Doctor.  
"Cybercommander !" Said the Chief Cyber Pilot "There is a large fleet of ships approaching Earth from the other side of the planet."  
"Another fleet of ships ?" Questioned the Cybercommander "Get visual contact immediately."

On the command ship of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet the Chief Cyberpoof Pilot announced - "Cyberpoofleader, there is a large fleet of ships approaching Earth from the other side of the planet."  
"Another fleet ?" Questioned the Cyberpoofleader "Get visual contact immediately."  
The Chief Cyberpoof Pilot began pressing buttons on the control console.  
"Where are the Doctor and that tart of a companion ?" Demanded the Cyberpoofleader "I ordered them to be brought to the bridge."  
"The Cyberguards report they cannot enter the Doctor's living quarters." Said another Cyberpoof minion.  
"Cannot enter ?" Questioned the Cyberpoofleader "What kind of Cybertalk is that ? Tell them to smash the door in ! Get those two straights up here !"  
"Visual contact made, Cyberpoofleader." Said the Chief Cyberpoof Pilot "It's ... it's another Cyberfleet."  
"Another Cyberfleet ?" Said the Cyberpoofleader "Impossible."  
"Cyberpoofleader," said the Chief Cyberpoof Pilot "It is an invasion fleet of ... Cyberstraights !"  
"Cyberstraights ?" Exploded the Cyberpoofleader "Change course ! Attack those Cyberstraights ! Kill them all. Open fire, all weapons !"

"An invasion fleet of Cyberpoofs !" Exploded the Cybercommander "What are they doing here ? Change course immediately, attack those Cyberpoofs ! Kill them all ! Open fire, all weapons !"  
The Cybercommander turned on the Doctor and his two companions - "This is treachery Doctor ! This is your doing ! You will die for this."  
The Doctor simply smiled in that rather boyish way that his fifth regeneration often did.

"It's working, Grace, it's working !" Said the Eighth Doctor back at Hartroughtbakertwee Castle on Gallifrey.

The Cyberpoof invasion fleet and the Cyberman invasion fleet flew straight in to each other  
firing missiles and blasting lasers - ships on both sides exploding in masses of flames.

"Time to get them out !" Announced the Eighth Doctor working furiously on his computers.

In New York's Central Park, General Winifred Bambera led a column of trucks filled with UNIT troops in to position.

On the bridge of the command ship of the Cyberman invasion fleet the Doctor activated his Time Bracelet and he, along with Tegan and Turlough simply disappeared.  
"Where did they go ?" Demanded the Cybercommander "Find them, kill them ,cut their bodies in to chunks and feed them to Cybermats !"  
They were the last words that the Cybercommander ever uttered as his ship was destroyed by a missile an instant later.

On the command ship of the Cyberpoof invasion fleet huge metal fists were smashing down the door of the Doctor's living quarters as he and Mel pressed themselves against the opposite wall.  
"Now ?" Asked Mel.  
"Now." Said the Doctor and he activated his Time Bracelet. He and his cute companion disappeared in to thin air as the door collapsed inwards.  
"Report that the Doctor and his companion have escaped." Said the first Cyberpoof in to the room.  
"Escaped !" Raged the Cyberpoofleader on the bridge "Find them, kill them, so die all straights !"  
They were the last words that the Cyberpoofleader ever uttered as his ship was destroyed by a missile an instant later.

At the United Nations conference, the President of the United States, Guy Turner walked up to the central podium to speak -  
"Ladies and gentlemen," he drawled "Today is a landmark day in history. A landmark day in gay history !" There were gasps of surprise around the packed assembly.  
"Today," the President continued "marks the end of straight rule over planet Earth and the beginning of a new era of gayness."  
The assembly delegates were unsure how to react for fear of being considered homophobic and continued listening.  
"Right now, an invasion fleet of Cyberpoofs has entered the Earth's atmosphere. They will land soon all over the world and every straight in the planet will bow down to them. Straightness will be outlawed, gayness will be compulsory and the planet Earth will become a part of the Cyberpoof gay empire ! The Cyberpoofs are similar to the Cybermen and I hardly need remind anyone of the Cyberman invasion of Earth sixty years ago when several manhole covers in London were damaged and one of the steps on St.Paul's cathedral was badly cracked."  
Every delegate in the assembly remembered that horrific episode in Earth history and they sat silently in shock.  
"Fifty countries have allied themselves to the gay conquest including the United States and they will make themselves known now." Said the American President. All round the huge assembly room fifty delegates replaced their national flags with rainbow flags.  
Joris Bohnston showed his mobile phone to the Doctor - a text message said "All ready at Central Park, Winnie."  
"We - the Gay Fifty - will now impose gay rule on the planet with the irresistible force of the Cyberpoof invasion. Straight rule is finished - Earth is now a gay planet !" The President's voiced had reached an effeminate crescendo now barely audible except to dogs. The other delegates sat in horror but terrified to speak in case they offended Stonewall or some other homo extremist organisation.  
Joris Bohnston and Ace looked at the Seventh Doctor and he stood up -  
"Actually," he said in a quiet voice "None of that will happen."  
"I beg your pardon ?" Said the President surprised at the interruption.  
"I said," continued the Doctor in a louder voice "None of that will happen. The Cyberpoof invasion fleet has been completely destroyed."  
The American President looked at him in horror "You're lying, you little straight." He snarled.  
"Not at all." Said the Doctor "Some months ago, I received intelligence..."  
"Intelligence ?" Muttered Joris Bohnston to Ace "I've never bothered much with that !"  
"Shh." Said Ace and the Doctor continued -  
"Intelligence that a Cyberpoof invasion fleet would attempt to invade Earth and - as you say - impose gay rule - to force gayness on the entire world, to exterminate the straights and to make Earth a part of the Cyberpoof empire. Only a united, worldwide effort could have resisted such an invasion and I knew full well that the United States of America was treacherously allied with the Cyberpoofs along with forty nine other countries. That factor meant that Earth could not resist the gay invasion so I persuaded another invasion fleet - a fleet of Cybermen, straight, normal Cybermen to invade Earth at the very same time, the very same moment in fact. Those two invasion fleets are right now battling in space and utterly destroying each other."  
"Garbage !" Snarled the American President "You're talking out of your Limey ass !"  
The Doctor waved his hand at the large television screens in the room which were now switched on by Ace - all of them showed 24 hour news channels reporting breaking news. Massive explosions were visible above the stratosphere and huge chunks of unidentified space ships were falling from the sky all over the world. These huge chunks were the burnt out remains of the Cyberman invasion fleet and the Cyberpoof invasion fleet.  
"Earth is saved from both the Cybermen and the Cyberpoofs." Announced the Doctor "The invasion fleets have been completely annihalated. There will be no invasion. Your planet is safe."  
The entire assembly - with the obvious exception of fifty countries - stood up and cheered until the Doctor waved them to silence.

"Right Grace, get these computers unplugged." Said the Eighth Doctor closing all the laptops "We're done here."

"I couldn't have done this without help from some very close and dear friends." He said and at that very moment the Fifth Doctor, Tegan and Turlough appeared on the podium beside the American President - the delegates cheered wildly. The Sixth Doctor and Mel appeared an instant later and the assembly erupted in applause. Finally the Eighth Doctor and Grace appeared as well.  
"All your TARDISes are waiting outside for you." He announced.  
Ace and the Seventh Doctor ran down to the podium and joined the others as they drank in the applause and cheers of the entire straight world.  
The American President whispered in to a microphone in his lapel - "Go, go, go !"  
In response,the hand picked squad of fifty gay US Marines ran from outside the United Nations building and charged through the main atrium towards the assembly room.  
"You will not defeat the forces of gayness so easily !" Screeched the President in to his microphone "We are taking over the assembly. All straights will die !"  
The Marines reached the assembly room and ran in through the doors. The Seventh Doctor used a tiny remote control in his hand to activate the gadget he had installed at that very door the night before. As the Marines stormed in to the room they vanished - teleported away to ...  
... A large area of open ground. As they appeared there - as if by magic - General Winifred Bambera shouted through a megaphone - "Welcome to Central Park - please put down your weapons." Hundreds of UNIT troops backed up her words with machine guns. The disoriented Marines had no option but to surrender.

Back at the United Nations General Bambera's face appeared on the huge TV screens and she reported back "All gone completely to plan, Doctor."  
The treacherous United Nations delegates who had sided with the Cyberpoofs including the President of the United States were all arrested by the United Nations security officers and escorted away.  
The four Doctors and their companions were mobbed by the remaining delegates including Joris Bohnston who announced that the United Nations would vote that afternoon for the recriminalisation of homosexuality all over the world.  
"I'll drink to that !" Said Ace "Who fancies a night on the lash ?"  
"We've earned it !" Said the Seventh Doctor.


End file.
